Aries
21st March – 19th April

Aries is probably the biggest ram in the world…actually, there is no probably about it, Aries IS the biggest ram in the world. Indeed, it is probably the biggest ram in the universe. For if you measured the distance from the star that represents the tip of Aries’ nose and the distance to the end of Aries’ tail it would measure a trillion, trillion, trillion, billion, billion, eighty six million, four hundred and sixty three thousand metres and four and a half centimetres. (This distance has been vigorously refuted by scholars, such as Albert Higginbottom, who used to sit next to me in 6th grade physics class, who swears blind that it is not four and a half centimetres but the full five).

A ram that size does of course take some feeding…and the cost of fencing has proved prohibitive to the point that the Aries ram is forever escaping and wandering around the universe and has to be kept in check by Taurus, the only animal large enough to handle him.


Please note: WARNING... some of this horrificscope may be almost true!